Can You Spot a Narcissist?
photo by Tom Barrett
To be quite honest with you, I’ve been putting off writing about the topic for about a year now and the reason being is that it’s such a loaded conversation, I didn’t know from which angle to start it. I also want to do this topic justice because it’s a very important one and affects so many people’s lives, I feel an acute responsibility to be as well informed as I can when writing about it. I am not a certified psychologist but I have spent a decade religiously reading various texts on psychology and deciphering the human psyche is something I am quite passionate about. The following information is a combination of knowledge from those texts and my own experiences dealing with individuals on the narcissistic spectrum in business and personal relationships.
Most people don’t really know or have a reason to need to know what a narcissist is unless they’ve had the misfortune of being parented by one or being in a relationship with one - be it romantic or platonic. Narcissism is a broad term and realistically it’s not a label you can just thrust on someone as people often do, it’s a spectrum. To complicate things even further, narcissism can be overt, covert, malignant, cerebral… etc. the list seems to expand on the regular with various subtypes. So what is a narcissist and why is it so important to know how to spot one?
nar·cis·sist
noun
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
"narcissists who think the world revolves around them"
This is the definition the dictionary gives us of what narcissism is, and I believe that this definition is what leads most people astray as to what they are truly dealing with. This definition is what a narcissist appears to be*, and this is very important because what a narcissist truly is, is quite different. First of lets be clear that true narcissism can only be diagnosed by a trained professional (a psychologist). The label is thus thrust frivolously on anyone who appears to be self centred, opportunistic and have little empathy. We cannot truly know if someone is a narcissist as per DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) unless they have been properly diagnosed. According to the DSM-5 , Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. However even if we never get to truly know 100% that someone around us is a narcissist, it won’t stop them from seeking out ways to victimize you and others around them to their advantage. And as someone who has had quite a talent for attracting individuals on the narcissistic spectrum into various areas of my life over the years, I have become quite adept at catching red flags and terminating relations that may put me in harms way in a very effective manner. I decided to write on this subject so that I may share some of these methods with you, if you may ever need them.
Are narcissists born or made?
Before we delve into the destructive chaos that ensues forming a relationship with a narcissist, lets understand how an individual lands on the narcissistic spectrum to begin with. Are they born with psychological abnormalities? Is narcissism caused by childhood trauma? Narcissism can often be a byproduct of turbulent and traumatic upbringing, or a childhood riddled with excessive praise and indulgence which does not match the child’s reality. A child’s systems of attachment to primary caregivers is damaged by way of abuse, be it emotional, physical or both. Because all children’s primary needs are love and safety, a trauma in this area can trigger fragmentation of the personality. The child does this to adapt and survive their environment. The ‘mask’ or the false self therefore learns to adapt to the circumstances and thrive within them, while the traumatized inner child who continuously experiences pain, rage and isolation, takes the rudder. The false self acts as a veneer, while the shadow takes control from behind the scenes. Curiously enough, not all children coming from household trauma develop into narcissists. A household with two children subjected to the same set of circumstances can produce two completely different individuals and it all seems to lie in temperament. The more resilient child is likely to become an empath (a highly sensitive, caring individual who carries a lot of compassion and wishes to heal others), while the less resilient child may develop narcissistic tendencies as the brain works overtime to protect itself from the trauma. Empaths and narcissists both share almost a supernatural sensitivity to the outside world and an extraordinary ability to read people (something traumatized children often develop early on to predict and mitigate the ongoing threats in their environment). But whereas empaths seek to heal the world that hurt them, narcissists seek to destroy it for hurting them. Yin and Yang. Two sides of the same coin.
Narcissism can also develop later in life as a result of a major psychological trauma in a relationship for example. Whatever that trauma may be, it causes the personality to fragment. Narcissists have a poor or non existent sense of self and live in a perpetual state of pain, self-loathing and fragmentation. Narcissist can be both male and female, although men are vastly more popularized as having narcissistic tendencies. It is women narcissists who often slide under the radar. In personal experience I have found female narcissists to be far more insidious and dangerous, more often than not because women are generally perceived to be less threatening by society at large so people are less likely to call out the abuse or help its victims, continuously brushing it off.
Who are narcissists attracted to?
Narcissists often prefer the opposite of what one would think. In a world where a predator usually prefers weak prey, narcissists often prefer the shiniest, most accomplished, most attractive person in the room. Why? Because narcissists are attracted to characteristics they themselves wish to possess. And because they have an ever fluctuating and barely existent sense of self, they seek out strong targets to mirror back to them their most coveted qualities. If you are an accomplished, intelligent, well to do individual, if they attach themselves to you in a way of a relationship, this means that they now too are all those things and more. They will also savor the power of trying to destroy all of those qualities in you once they’re done with you because it will make them feel that much more powerful … but about that later.
Who else is the narcissist attracted to? They are attracted to empaths and codependents. Empaths have a higher sensitivity to the world than most others and feel/care for things very deeply. Codependents have an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. Where a well adjusted human being may spot the selfish attention seeking qualities of the narcissist and run (because that’s what you should do), an empath will see the narcissist as a poor wounded creature in need of help and rescuing. Furthermore, they will convince themselves that they only can give the narcissist the help they so desperately need and save them from the pain this unfair world has inflicted upon them. And the codependent will put up with all the abuse the narcissist will shill on them and will never be able to muster up the courage to leave them (unless there is a professional intervention). Both of these targets are willing to give the narcissist endless amounts of attention (narcissistic supply) and are relatively easy to manipulated and retain.
I was attracting narcissists into my life because I am both an empath and until a few years ago - a codependent. I was attracted to damaged people with a force of a thousand magnets. I thought that ‘being in love’ meant feeling sorry for someone and wanting to help make whatever it was that was hurting them in life better. It was after a few brushes with gut wrenching chaos that I stopped and decided that it was a good idea to talk to a psychologist about what was happening. “It sounds like you may be dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder” …. “I believe that you may have codependent tendencies” …. a few years, many books and a stern self imposed ban on dating ensued. I am now two years into likely the first healthy relationship have ever had in my entire life with a ‘normal’ person who doesn’t need rescuing and whose side I can leave for weeks and months at a time without anxiety. I still meet narcissistic people sometimes due to the nature of the business I work in (there is a higher than normal concentration of those here), and I have discerningly trimmed down my friends circle to only contain ‘good eggs’ rather than those with venus fly trap tendencies. So if you are one of the above types the narcs are usually attracted to, there is a rainbow at the end of this if you’re willing to do the work …
Ok, now back to the juice …
Types of Narcissism
Overt narcissism - also know as ‘grandiose narcissism’ is what most people expect of a narcissist. This one is easy to spot as he or she will have have a very ‘loud’ demeanour. These are people who try to pull attention with their presence, how they dress, how they talk. This is the impeccably groomed friend with 500 selfies on instagram that flashes their designer clothes, expensive cars and lifestyle. Entitled, overbearing, arrogant, exploitative, outgoing and lacking empathy, this narcissist is fairly easy to spot and thus avoid.
Covert narcissism - at first may come off and an empath, so this is where I’d caution most people to be careful. Covert narcissists like playing the victim, they seem more introverted, insecure or low confidence and have a higher likelihood of experiencing shame and depression. These narcissists are often highly intelligent, master manipulators and are very difficult to spot unless you start tracking their behaviour and seeing patterns.
Antagonistic narcissism - a subtype of overt narcissism, this narcissistic individual focuses on rivalry and competition. They tend to be argumentative, arrogant and like taking advantage of others.
Communal narcissism - also a subtype of overt narcissism. This narcissistic individual would describe themselves as being empathetic and generous, become easily outraged at seeming moral injustices and things they deem unfair. However the way they see themselves and would like the world to see them does not match who they are in reality, an angry, vengeful, toxic person.
Malignant narcissism - this narcissistic individual is by far the most dangerous of all. They are vindictive, aggressive, sadistic and paranoid. If you cross this individual or they perceive a slight from you, be ready for retaliation. These are individuals who will try to burn your house down, file lawsuits, try to kill your cat … and you, in a bid to ruin your life and everything you hold dear.
Whatever the type Narcissists thrive on attention, whichever way they can garner it. Attention is their main energy supply.
photo by Eric Ward
RED FLAGS! How to spot a person on the narcissistic spectrum and what to do about it?
Narcissists don’t form relationships like normal people do. They come on hard and fast. It’s called love bombing and it’s the first stage of their four part play. On the first date or meeting the narcissist will data mine you (if they haven’t already scoured your socials for who you are and what makes you tick). They will try to get you to talk about you as much as possible to scope out your strengths and weaknesses (so they can use those against you later). You will likely leave the meeting thinking you’ve met a unicorn because of your seemingly instantaneous and deep connection. This individual will seem to read and understand you like no other. What they’re actually doing is mirroring you, because it’s through mirroring that normal people usually fall in love and they know this.
What you should do early on is assert your boundaries. See if your new companion tries to push past them or ignore them. This is a major red flag. Narcissistic personalities do not like boundaries and they will likely retreat and leave you alone if you show that you are not willing to bend. Watch for people who you’ve just met, who casually message you late at night or in the early hours of the morning, show up at your house or work unannounced or force intimacy. Huge red flags.
Narcissist will want to spend as much time as possible with you as they can. The relationship whether romantic or platonic will progress extremely fast. these are people who propose to you a week after they’ve met you, invite you to vacation with them on the third date, move in with you within weeks or get you to include them in big business decisions before you’ve really gotten to know them. Their weapons are charm and forced intimacy. They seduce their targets in a bid to start exercising control over them and their lives as fast as possible.
As much as you want to believe that you’ve found your Prince or Princess Charming and are living a fairytale romance … I would caution you to take a sober step back. Every relationship with a narcissistic personality starts off as a fairytale. Every. Single. One. This is how they lure you in. Believe me, I’ve been there … more than once. People of high value generally take things slow, because they’re secure enough and value themselves enough to take the time to get to know you. Men of high value do not hunt you on a 24/7 basis and stalk your socials. Women (and men) of high value do not jump in bed with you on the first night or go on a transatlantic vacation with you on a second date. This works in Hollywood, maybe, but more often than not if it’s too good to be true, it is. There are very few exceptions.
Before you know it you stopped spending time with family and friends. Being with the narcissist takes up so much of your time that you start living in a bubble. this is an isolation technique designed to make it easier for the narcissist to exert control over you. If you have any disagreements with family or friends the narcissist will fuel that fire and actively push you to cut ties with your support system by making you believe that they’re on your side and no one else understands you as well as they do.
Being in a partnership with someone should not drastically alter your social life. If you notice that spending time with your new partner is impeding on family time or you’re starting to lose your friends, that’s a big red flag. Codependent relationships are never healthy, even if you’re not with a narcissistic person. Your relationship should never take over your life nor should you feel like your partner is giving you ultimatums when it comes to interacting with your social circle or them. If someone is trying to cut you off from family or friends, shut it down and run in the opposite direction.
When the narcissist has successfully love bombed and isolated you, you are by all accounts theirs and their alone. Here is when the devaluation stage begins. That’s the second step of the four part play. It can start with small comments about what you wear or how you behave. They start chipping away at things about you they seemed to love. It happens so gradually you think you’ve done something wrong. During this stage the narcissist is also securing other sources of supply (attention). You are no longer their one and only and the relationship begins to wane. You still don’t understand what you’ve done. But by this stage you are so dependent on them and so isolated from your support system (if they’ve done a good job), that you start becoming desperate, anxious, paranoid and depressed. You will also witness their first episodes of narcissistic rage. Have you ever seen a child have a tantrum? Now imagine a tantrum of the same magnitude only enacted by a grown adult. It’s scary. Being the recipient of narcissistic rage is terrifying and extremely dangerous. Because as I mentioned, when a narcissistic adult is having a rage episode, they act uncontrollably - like a child.
I have a one strike rule when it comes to men and that is, if anyone ever calls me a derogatory name be it friend or partner, our relationship is over. I have a longer fuse when it comes to criticism because criticism can be fair and constructive, none of us are perfect. However if your relationship was all roses and suddenly you can’t put a foot right, every little thing is starting to get picked at and attacked, if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and your sense of self worth is taking repeated hits, RUN. Part of why narcissists devalue their target is because the person you fall in love with is not real and they know this. Once you fall for the lie, the narcissist starts devaluing you because they know no one could ever love them for who they truly are, so they attack you, repeatedly and without mercy for it. If the narcissist gets triggered into narcissistic rage, my advice would be to remain as calm and as non confrontational as possible because you can put your life at risk by trying to battle it out with them. When the situation is under control, get help, leave. Also, try to never threaten to leave the narcissist (just silently leave). One of their core wounds is abandonment and you simply stating the fact that you’re going to leave can trigger a rage episode of epic proportions and cause you physical harm or worse.
Then one day the narcissist leaves you (if you don’t leave them first… then you’ve got a whole other bag of problems). It often comes out of nowhere, with no consideration or humanity and they will likely be parading whoever they replaced you with as soon as the following day. And trust me, there is always a replacement. The one thing a narcissist cannot do is be alone. This stage is the third step of their four step play and it’s called the Discard. If you’ve made it this far count yourself lucky. But they’re not done with you yet.
This may feel counterintuitive at first but if you’ve made it to the discard stage and you’re still alive and kicking and don’t feel like doing something you’ll regret, consider yourself lucky. The narcissist will not only discard you in the most inhumane way possible, and seemingly without reason, but they will do their best to make sure that you know you’ve been replaced and they will do everything short of personally calling you and letting you know that they’re with someone else (although they often do that too). You will feel used, abused and broken. this is the time to quietly gather your belongings, disappear to a safe location and go ‘grey rock’. Grey rock is a coined term, a method of dealing with narcissists at the end of a relationship. Basically you try your best to appear as boring as possible while going no contact, so the narcissist loses interest in you completely. Because trust me, you don’t want them coming back, and they will once they see you get your life back and start doing interesting things, especially if it’s with someone else.
It’s been a few weeks, or months, or years. You’ve licked your wounds and moved on (hopefully). You have pretty much forgotten that ‘asshole’ and their existence. Suddenly out of nowhere comes a phone call, a text or a tearful essay of a letter. They’ve had time to think about it. They’re sorry. They need to talk to you. Or worse yet … they want you back. This is the fourth stage of the narcissist’s four step play, it’s called a hoover. Yes hoover as in named after the vacuum cleaner, because that’s what they’re doing. They’re revisiting their old sources of supply (attention) and trying to hoover to see who they can suck back into their chaos. They say that a narcissist will try to hoover an average of three to six cycles. That means that if you let them, they will put you through all of the steps above at least 3 separate times.
I know that many of us believe that people change and that some of us give second and even third chances. When I say that you have to go no contact when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic personality, I mean it. And yes, it’s extremely difficult, but you basically have to convince yourself and your heart that this person is dead. The consolation is, the person you’re mourning was never really alive to begin with. The person you fell in love with and develop trust with doesn’t exist. They’re a custom crafted mask, a convincing story, created by a very damaged and dangerous individual to lure you in and feed on you, your attention, your money, your life. And you have to make peace with the fact that you will never be able to fix them because they cannot be fixed, nor is it your job even if they wanted to. Professional psychologists can’t even fix these people, they can only help them recognize how their behaviour affects others on an intellectual level (because they lack empathy) and if the individual is willing and can afford the weekly follow up visits - they can help them manage their lifestyle.
Would you want to spend the rest of your life with an enraged traumatized child in the body of a grown adult who projects all of their inner trauma and grievances onto you every chance they get? I don’t believe you would.
Reflections - Take a long hard look at yourself
If you are attracting people with narcissistic tendencies into your life, I would take some time and take a long hard look at what it is exactly that draws them to you. As I’ve learned over the years, it takes two to tango. Do the work, take a deep dive into your childhood. For years I subconsciously looked for people to fix and to love back to sanity. And so I attracted broken, damaged people who would recognize the fact that I would not abandon them, and who clung on to me for dear life, used and abused my presence in their lives. The thing that made it so hard is that these people also have great qualities. I didn’t just go out into the world and find a bunch of losers to love. They were charming, successful, intelligent, physically attractive, interesting people … albeit with a hell of a shadow. And I had learned the hard way that the shinier the light, the darker was the shadow.
What made me do the work on myself to stop the cycle of pulling narcs into my life? Well, I got tired … and then I got mad. I got tired of stepping on the same shovel so to speak, and I got mad at myself for allowing the same patterns to repeat. I realized trivially that the narcissists weren’t the problem, I was. I was the one who would allow red flags to enter my life in groves hoping they were something other then what they actually were. And so I healed those parts of myself that needed healing. I stopped my pattern. I found real love. And you know the thing about real love is …. it’s calm, it’s comforting, it feels like a warm sip of hot cocoa on a winter’s day. I remember when I thought love had to feel like taking off in an F-16. I don’t miss those days.
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