How To Deal With Toxic People In The Workplace
Stock Photo by Austin Distel
I am not a professional psychologist (although I read a lot of psych literature), but I have spent the past 14 years of my life working professionally in two industries that are renowned for attracting unstable, highly manipulative, ‘toxic’ personalities. Those industries are Arts & Entertainment and Film & Television. I think that the reason why these industries run rampant with members of the ‘dark triad’ is because they are highly creative and largely unregulated. I feel that I should mention as a counterweight that these industries also attract some of the most fascinating, brilliant minds I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing at work, but for the purposes of this article lets talk about how to recognize and deal with the abusers.
This article was a long time in the making and what better time to publish it than on the eve of a situation where I had to deal with a toxic coworker who really got me thinking that the right time for publishing this article has finally arrived.
Lets call the guy Bob and lets use Bob as a case study. If you ask some of the more perceptive people at work about Bob they will likely tell you that something just doesn’t sit right with them about the guy. Most people won’t be able to explain why but it’s just his ‘vibe’. Bob has been in the business for a while. He is not a young lad by any stretch of imagination. He talks a lot and does very little, which really makes you question how he gets hired as much as he does. His charm offensive disarms his targets. Bob always needs allies on any given project as to build up his armour so people don’t notice just how spiteful, entitled and lazy he is. Bob usually builds this allyship by sweet talking supervisors and chatting up coworkers and mirroring their interests. Once an ally target is secure he starts weaponizing them against people on the team whom he does not like - namely the people who have for years been able to see through his meticluously crafted ‘nice guy’ act. If ever there was a human embodiment of a toxic workplace personality - Bob would be it. Needless to say, Bob does not like me. I personally have never done anything disrespectful, abusive or out of line to Bob in the decade that I have crossed paths with him. For whatever reason, Bob has been poisoning the well for me on many shows I ‘ve had the misfortunate of running into him at with gossip. I can’t tell you how successful his attempts at smearing me have been, but I have noticed that some people working closely with him whom I’ve had no issues with before, have started treating me differently and not in a positive way.
I’ve long tried to stay out of his way and ignore him, but on this show I was brought in as a helper into a job he was specifically overseeing. Without an awareness that I was standing right behind him listening, Bob berated me and a fellow colleague to the supervisor. Because the supervisor has worked with Bob extensively before and because Bob is likely his personal hire, the supervisor didn’t exactly stop his vile and false remarks, nor did he address my concern for what was just said personally - basically telling me to not pay attention. So what did I do? I had an minor anxiety attack and I reported the guy to higher ranking authorities at work whose jobs are to deal with this directly. He was reprimanded. I in turn made a personal decision to finish the day and take myself off this particular job. There are several reasons for this. From the outset, leaving well paid work because of an incident like this may seem like an overreaction or losing out on a work opportunity, but I will explain my decision process down below in (how to deal with incidents such as this). First things first …
How to Spot a Toxic Personality at Work. Some traits to watch out for:
Not all villains present as such. In fact, people with sociopathic traits will often carefully manage their image by calculatedly crafting a reputation with co-workers and especially upper management that will have them be seen as a well loved member of the team. They will often ingratiate themselves with the boss and key players at work so if there’s ever a complaint regarding their behaviour towards a ‘lesser’ employee, chances are it will not be taken seriously due to them being ‘such a great man / woman’. The most toxic and manipulative personalities are often extremely charming and convincing people.
They thrive on gossip and use it to silently erode coworkers’ reputations behind the scenes. No matter how much you like someone at work, watch their patterns and affinity for engaging in workplace gossip closely. If an individual has a track record of talking badly about coworkers behind their backs, they are being toxic and unprofessional. All grievances should always be addressed head on. Gossip is a tool often employed by weak, unprofessional people because it’s largely untraceable and very damaging to the victim(s). Something to all be aware of is - whatever is being said about another coworker today, will definitely be said about you tomorrow if you end up having a falling out with the individual who likes to engage in gossip. Tables turn very quickly.
They are master gaslighters. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that involves manipulating someone into questioning their own reality, memory, or perceptions. Toxic individuals will often make you feel crazy if you try to hold them accountable for the words and actions served against you. They will simply deny deny deny.
They thrive on negativity. Toxic personalities will never truly want to resolve any issues with their coworkers or victims because they thrive on drama and attention. No amount of you being cordial and nice with this individual will change their behaviour towards you.
They are highly manipulative. Toxic personalities are no strangers to simple psychology and will play people and situations like chess in their own favour. In the situation with Bob, after berating my coworker in front of me and realizing that it was going to come back to her attention he attempted to cover his tracks and repair the damage by going to my coworker with an embrace and saying how happy he feels that she is joining his team. This behaviour is meant to confuse and gaslight.
They are very envious of others’. Toxic personalities often victimize coworkers because of simple professional or personal envy. You may be targeted because of your looks, wages, position or simply how well liked you are within the organization.
What do you do if you are targeted by a toxic personality in a workplace? That depends on your position and circumstances.
Always gather evidence first. Write down the dates/times you have been targeted by said individual. Keep track of witnesses. If it’s a legal practice in your jurisdiction, record conversations. In Ontario it is legal to record a conversation without making the other party aware of the recording as long as you are a part of the conversation. So don’t go recording other people’s conversations - that’s illegal. But in certain provinces and states you can have a conversation you were actively a part of - on record.
Report the individual to HR or a governing body at work. Now this is a tricky one. In a perfect world something like this would be enough to stop the abuse, but if the abuser is connected to upper management or if they are reprimanded and know that you complained they may retaliate by making your life difficult. Retaliation for reporting unprofessional behaviour and workplace abuse is illegal, any HR department will tell you that. But it happens often. Don’t expect a toxic personality to cease being toxic just because they’ve been caught doing it. sociopaths like to retaliate and they may do so by further poisoning your workplace.
Consider leaving the workplace. This may seem like letting the abuser win, but in some cases it’s the only way you can protect yourself. When the safety and protection systems in a workplace are compromised - reporting the abuser may only aggravate the situation. If they’re related to or are friends with the boss, you may have to now deal with more toxic behaviour just because you stood up for yourself. think objectively and long term. are you willing to put up with all these potentialities? In my situation, I was not, so I left. It became clear to me that not only was Bob never going to stop being nasty towards me, but that my supervisor wasn’t really keen on checking that kind of behaviour. Once you realize that upper management is not on your side, it’s best for your own inner peace to consider whether you even want to work with people like this.
Consider legal action. If a coworker systematically targets you and attacks your reputation you may have grounds for legal action (emotional damages and/or defamation… etc). If you have the means and the situation gets out of hand consider consulting with a lawyer. This is where evidence plays the biggest part. You will need to prove all the facts.
Do not engage. Bullies thrive on eliciting reactions from their victims. Research the ‘grey-rock’ method and try to avoid engaging with the toxic personality as much as you possibly can. Definitely do not engage in verbal or physical altercations. Any verbal or physical escalation on your part will damage your case against your abuser.
Report the to police. If a coworker starts sexually or physically harassing you or making threats you can report them to the local police. such behaviour is not only completely unprofessional but could pose potential danger to your life.
Again all of my advice is based on my own experience and not meant to be taken as professional advice. I write these articles in hopes of helping people with my own lived experiences. Always trust your own gut and seek professional advice if you are in an emotionally or physically dangerous situation.